Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
