I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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