you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
