Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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