U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
