do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize