Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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