ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Randomize
