o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sorry my hands just texted you
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
