Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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