I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
