I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
