Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
