new low.... made out with someone while peeing
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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