He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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