adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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