My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
