There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
