Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
