i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
