Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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