The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
