DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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