My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
