There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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