He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
