Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
