he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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