My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
