he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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