Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
