I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
