bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
