seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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