the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
