Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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