She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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