He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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