mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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