We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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