peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize