She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
