Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
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