Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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