he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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