Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
