a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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