saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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