then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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