she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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