I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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