there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
