At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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