people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
