Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize