he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
