i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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