Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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