Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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