Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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