Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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